I’m craving something more.
I’ve never been able to hurt anything, even a flea.. not counting the occasional mosquito, that’s about it. I once spent a half hour in the shower trying to help a little bug out before he drowned. I think he made it out fine. I didn’t though. I still needed a good shampooing.
Somewhere in between the leaving and arriving, mess of boxes.. unpacking and saving (trying to)..then thinking, now what? I finally took breath and found myself thinking back. When was the last time I actually sat down to play the piano or to paint? It’s been a while. Maybe it’s this somewhere in between feeling that just gets me. Living in the future or past, pining. I want to be here.
I want to be inspired. Be a part of something creative that brings people together in a positive way. Live in the here and now.
What inspires you?
There’s something so romantic and personal about a letter. I found another box of letters from my grandfather and grandmother, most written during the war. There were at least one or two written a week. This last one was signed, “Remember that I love you with all of my heart, devotedly yours” — It brought tears to my eyes. I wish I lived then.. I say this so often, but it truly drives me nuts how over connected we are now, it just doesn’t feel as personal. Wherever I go people are all glued to their phones, not even thinking to look at the real live world around them. Even when I am spending time with someone, every few minutes their phone will go off and from there most will feel the immediate need to answer back. Can’t it wait? Just once? Just feels like we’re only partly with someone now.. I have gotten sidetracked. But I guess I just wanted to say how alive it must have felt for my grandmother and grandfather, having been away from each other for so long during the war, to have had those letters to look forward to each week. How romantic.
I keep wondering what it would have been like had I stayed. So many directions you can take yourself in life. I sure do miss you.
What a wonderful weekend ❤
I cry out love, keep your arms around me
I am a bird that’s in need of grounding
I’m built to fly away,
I never learned how to stay..
I want to play music again. I want to write it. It’s so cathartic.
I’m so sick of our differences. Political debates, what’s right or wrong, who said what, what company or person screwed millions, took advantage or what have you. Don’t get me wrong, I have opinions and care strongly..I just get so tired of it. It makes me feel empty and frustrated.. like running in place. I’m just sick of the constant worrying about money, the struggle, not having healthcare, having it affected so close to home.. Having your heart sink knowing your mom or dad is struggling to make ends meet.. but is stuck in some catch 22 situation where you need work to have even basic healthcare, but you need to go to the doctor to even feel fine or be able to work & yet.. you don’t have enough money to help yourself get better. What kind of backward world do we live? I just don’t understand sometimes where the priorities are. Why can’t everyone be equal? I could continue on asking why. I’m just tired. I just wish for once everything was calm. And we were all fine. Loved. Healthy. Happy. And well. Where the noise just stopped.
I think that’s why I love music, art..or love. It’s a connection.. it’s universal. Something we can all agree on. Something that stops the chaos from coming in. And we can just, be. I just wish we lived in a world where these were the things to focus on instead. A world where we focused on how beautiful life was and a world where everyone could expand their creativity, everyone had the opportunity for an education, everyone could marry equally, everyone could just fucking be.
I think I’ve had one drink too many.
It looks like September marks another adventure on the horizon. Colorado has been wonderful & leaving is not forever. Nothing is. But for now, I think this is something I need to do. Good can come from change. A little perspective. I’ve been taking it all in. I love the idea of living somewhere new. The unknown. I just don’t love the idea of leaving something (or someone) that I might not be able to get back when I’m ready. I’d never say out loud what I want. I wish I could. My head feels heavy. Like the verge of crying, but holding it in much too long. I’ll have to. I’m excited & sad all in one. I know that’s life :)